Rogue No. 1 — “The Weasel”
     I owe the animal an apology for lumping him with this deceptive fast shuffle artist.  His modus operandi is a simple one inasmuch as it occurs off the course and not during play.  He will finish 18 holes and record his true score (or sometimes a few strokes better for wagers) on his card, but will add strokes when he puts it in the handicap computer.  Exceptionally good rounds will never be registered, therefore maintaining his high handicap status, useful for sandbagging his opponents and winning club tournaments.  Jesse is alive and well.
     Weasel always volunteers to keep score for the group.  Granting him this privilege will earn you the crown for most naive pigeon in the world. If you think he is on the up and up, please call me, I have a bridge  for sale – cheap!
     A new member observed Weasel walking through the clubhouse and asked his name and what he did for a living.  An old-timer supplied his name and stated, “He writes fiction.”  The questioner curiously asked, “No kidding, what’s his latest work?” “His scorecard” came back quickly.
     It’s a toss up and a guess.  Does he suffer from a major inferiority complex or is he fundamentally a thoroughly dishonest jerk? “Do I hear a vote?”

Rogue No. 2 –  “Magic Marker”
     This miscreant is part weasel, but his ball marking skills make him even sneakier than Rogue  No. 1.  His methods have only one goal: advance the ball on the green without using his putter.  Gains can be as small as two inches or can be measured in feet.  He’s slick, he’s sick and he’s fast.  Stay alert to catch his sleight of hand, or a six-foot putt will be reduced to a six-inch “gimme” without removing his putter from the bag.
     Magic’s signature method is a study in rhythm.  He approaches his ball with a marker, equivalent in size and weight to a small manhole cover. As he bends over, he picks up the ball and flips the obese marker forward in one fluid motion.  It is a practiced and polished maneuver that gains him a foot or more. 
     If you catch him in the act, he claims it slipped out of his hand and he will place the ball back but well in advance of the original position.  Is it against the rules? Certainly, but he will argue vehemently it was an accident and “isn’t this a gentleman’s game?” He has, on occasion, embarrassed himself by flipping the marker hard and dunning it in the hole.  I take that back.  You couldn’t embarrass this guy even if you found him in the rough with a green tee under his ball.
His second dodge is putting the marker in front of the ball when picking it up and placing the ball in front of the marker when replacing. A gain of about two inches, but in his mind “It’s not the length of the gain, it’s getting away with it that counts.”  Small people enjoy small advantages.
     One last trick, call it the “Hand Span Method” or “Kick Back Illusion.”  This sharpshooter (remember his hands are Wyatt Earp fast) uses his little finger to flip the ball back as he spans his hand forward to place the marker.  He will sell his soul for six inches.
I’ve seen some shady characters in my day, but this Jesse James is in a class by himself.  How would you like to have him in a position of trust in your company?
     At least his reputation is known and he was on the short end of a classic putdown.  A member of his foursome reached an elevated green before Magic took his approach shot.  As his ball hit and rolled on the green, a good 50 feet from the hole, out of his view, the member called back to him “Don’t bring your putter.”  Mr. Magic excitedly asked, “Did it go in the hole?” Answer, “No, but if you mark it twice, it’ll be holed out.” Two foursomes, within earshot, broke up.  Magic’s foibles were widely known.

Rogue No. 3  –  “Mandrake the Magician”
     A practitioner of golf ball levitation unequaled in the golfing community.  Truly the Houdini of the links.
Mandrake strikes a ball that lands in the rough. He parks his cart or golf bag so they block the view of his opponents.  His ball is usually deep enough in the weeds not to be discernable to the naked eye.
     Lo and behold, what to your wondering eyes should appear but his little white ball, seconds later, perched on a tuft of grass, so neatly it defies explanation.  By the way, if you challenge his improved lie, he counters, “I had to identify my ball!” He claims this is his right under the rules of golf.  Nonexistent rules, without a book available, are his alibis for everything short of murder.
Occasionally, satisfaction can be garnered, when he skies his next shot because of the manufactured fluffy lie.
This man only carries green tees, I wonder why?

Rogue No. 4  – “Water Spaniel” or “Splash”
     This sportsman carries a duplicate of his “in play” ball in a back pocket.  To my knowledge, he has never taken a penalty stroke for hitting his ball in a stream.
     As we stand on the tee and we watch his ball splash water 200 years away, he exclaims, “I saw it bounce, it can’t be wet!” As we roll our eyes in disbelief, he rushes ahead and at the edge of the stream he pushes the ball out of his back pocket and shouts. “Viola! I’ve found it!” It’s virtually impossible to insult people with this much chutzpah.  I’ve seen him fish his first ball out of the water and have the gall to say “I found a good one.”  How would you like to have this guy working your cash register?
For some reason, these Rogues either don’t care or are oblivious to the other players’ awareness of their chicanery. Their win-win at any cost is indicative of major character flaws or moral hiccups!
     There are some players who should never be given a scorecard or a pencil.  For years I have thought they had been math deprived in their schooling, but it turns out the only thing they lack is integrity.
     Golf parallels life: good days, bad days, ups, downs, but the Rogues are in a class unto themselves. 
     I remember a saying, either by Confucius or Henny Youngman:
     “Show me a golfer with a pocket full of green tees and I’ll show you a golfer who never has a bad lie in the rough!”