REAL GOLFERS  EITHER YOU ARE, OR YOU AREN’T
   By Mark Nelson
Golfers come in all shapes, sizes and handicaps. But not everyone who plays golf is a golfer. Here’s a guide to help you determine your RGI — your Real Golfer Index.
    Real golfers would rather play golf than watch golf on television. But real golfers watch the Masters, the men’s and women’s U.S. Open and U.S. Amateur, and the British Open on television. But only after playing golf that day.
    In the dead of winter, real golfers watch tournaments from Hawaii and California but then turn the TV off and practice putting on the carpet. Real golfers do not watch the Golf Channel even if it is on in the bar.
    Real golfers take their clubs out of the trunk of the car during the winter.
    Real golfers clean their equipment thoroughly after the last round of the season — clubs, shoes, towels.
    Real golfers get their clubs re-gripped in the offseason, whether they need it or not, because real golfers don’t use the “slippery old grips” excuse when they hit a bad shot in July.
    Real golfers hang a small towel on their bag, wet it before the round and use it to clean their clubs after each shot. Real golfers use their towel, not a stinky ball washer. And real golfers never put their golf ball in their mouth, preferring not to risk ingesting nasty chemicals used by superintendents to keep the grass green.
    Real golfers don’t have industrial strength scrub brushes dangling from their bags, either.
    Real golfers buy a new rule book each year and carry in their golf bag. They know the difference between red stakes and yellow stakes. They play provisionals if there is a possibility their ball is lost or out of bounds.
    Real golfers know a loose impediment is not Monica Lewinsky in a thong.
    Real golfers play the ball down. They don’t take mulligans, not even on the first tee.
    Real golfers carry a Sharpie pen in their bag to put identifying marks on their golf balls. They don’t ground their clubs in sand traps. “In the leather” is an abomination to real golfers.
    Real golfers keep track of their score in relation to par in their head. They never have to stand on the green, look back at the hole and count, “One in the woods, two out, three in the trap, four in the trap, five out, chip on in six, three putts ... gimme an eight.”
    Real golfers have USGA handicaps and report all their scores, not just the bad ones.
    Real golfers don’t wear stroke counters on their wrists or have them attached to their bags. Real golfers use head covers for their woods. They use a putter cover the first two weeks the putter is new, but discard it after that. Real golfers never use plastic covers for their irons.
    Real golfers don’t flip the ball out of the cup with their putter even if they can … and they can … because they wouldn’t think of damaging the hole.
    Real golfers do not have a suction cup attached to the end of their putter.
    Real golfers wear golf caps, hats or visors, but there is not fake grass glued to the top, or worse yet, a silly little golf figurine. Caps, hats and visors are imprinted with the names of golf equipment companies, country clubs or resorts. They don’t wear their caps like baseball catchers.
     Real golfers don’t wear fishing caps, cowboy hats, bandannas, or fedoras. Real golfers buy Ben Hogan caps but never wear them on the golf course.
    Real golfers don’t carry ball retrievers. In fact, real golfers don’t spend 20 minutes looking for $3 golf balls. But real golfers pick up balls they find and donate scuffed balls to the practice range (unless they have a shag bag) or give them to kids hanging around the pro shop.
    Real golfers practice golf etiquette. They never stand behind a fellow golfer who is hitting a shot or putting. Real golfers never step in another player’s line on the green. Real golfers fix their own ball marks and any others they see — without slowing things down.
    Real golfers know how to tend the pin.
    Real golfers smooth bunkers and leave the rake on the grass outside the bunker. Real golfers don’t talk, move or jingle change when another player is hitting.
    Real golfers never let their shadow fall on another player’s putting line or where he can see it.
    Real golfers don’t exclaim, “Great shot,” the second the ball is struck or every time it is struck. Real golfers don’t offer opinions on another player’s tough luck or bad shots of another player. Or their own, for that matter. If another player hits a shot that bounces off a tree, hits the cart path and ricochets behind him, laughter is not only permitted, it is encouraged. Real golfers may laugh at the fifth consecutive shank, but only if the shanker is laughing.
    Real golfers don’t give advice on another player’s grip, stance, aim, swing, stroke, clothing, investments, wife or girlfriend – unless asked.
     Real golfers attend golf tournaments but never utter, “You da man.”
    Finally, real golfers don’t need the Real Golfer Index to tell them they are real golfers.